A TRANS Formation - Chapter 47 - Rosy's Desire

Jill's been confused all week about how she feels about her trip to Chicago today. She's happy about Allie being accepted into the transition program, and at the same time, she's let down and disappointed she was not. Maggie won't approve her until she undergoes another session focusing on the burn scar on her arm.She didn't have to think about it much when Carla and Rosy spent the weekend with them. She was able to put it in the back of her mind on her date with Norm Tuesday night. But at work on Wednesday, she really started thinking about it and she can't get it out of her mind. She's been having bad dreams all week, fighting off the demons in her mind.She just can't get the thoughts out of her mind...Why is this such a big deal? The accident happened when I was a baby. I've learned to live with it. It doesn't bother me anymore. Why am I being rejected for something that's not even my fault? I can't do anything about it. It's not ever going away. Why do I have to go dressed as Jerry? I'm not Jerry anymore.* Why? Why? Why?She's filled with an uneasy apprehension as Allie drives her to the airport. Allie's done her best to comfort her, but her apprehension is deeply embedded. The only good thing about having to wear Jerry's clothes is they can hold hands in the airport as they walk to her gate.When the moment comes to board the plane, she hugs Allie and says with a tear in her eye, "Well, wish me luck. Next time you see me, I'll know if I'm gonna get to be in the program with you."I already told you, babe, if they don't accept you, I'm not going to do it. They'll have to accept both of us or neither of us."They embrace in one last, long kiss before Jill boards the plane. As soon as she's in the air, she goes into a meditative state to calm her mind. She stays in her meditation during the ninety-minute flight.Maggie's at the gate to welcome her when she arrives in Chicago. "Hi Jerry," she says with a hug, "how was your flight?""It was short but sweet. I meditated the whole time to calm myself down.""Nervous?""Yeah... I don't know why I'm having to do this and I don't like having to be Jerry, either.""I know, dear, it can be scary." Maggie says, "Try to relax the best you can. Everything we're going to be doing is for your own well-being. I really want to accept you into the program. We just have this one last hurdle to overcome. We wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't critical to your success."Driving away from the airport complex, Maggie tries to calm Jill's mind by complimenting her on how far she and Allie have come on their own."Most of the girls we work with aren't this far along when we get them," she says. "When Walt first told me about you and Allie, I knew you two were special. Mentally, you're both already there. The hardest part of transitioning is your mentality."If you're not mentally a female, no amount of hormone therapy will get you there. And if you're not mentally a female, we shouldn't be giving you hormone treatments in the first place. That's why our screening process is so demanding. We have to be absolutely sure. That's why you're here with me today.""But if I'm already there mentally," Jill asks, "then I don't understand why I have to even do this today. I've had my scar all my life. It's never going away. I had to accept that a long time ago.""What you don't understand today," Maggie assures her, "you'll understand tomorrow. You're in good hands, you'll just have to trust me. Do you trust me, Jerry?""Yes, I trust you.""Good. Let's get something to eat before we begin your discovery session. Do you like güvenilir bahis Chinese food?""I haven't eaten much Chinese, just what I've made at home. But I like what I've made.""Well, I know a nice little Chinese place on the way home. I think you'll like it.""Home?" Jill asks. "I thought we were going to your office.""No, we're not going to the office. For sessions like this, I get better results doing it in my home. I sent my husband away for the weekend. It'll be just you and me."The Chinese restaurant has a nice, quiet atmosphere and the soft Mandarin music helps to calm Jill. Maggie orders six different dishes and Jill wonders why she's ordering so much food. While they're drinking their tea and waiting for their food, Maggie takes a vile of pills from her purse and gives one to Jill."I want you to take this pill, honey. It'll help to relax you.""What is it?""Don't worry about what it is, darling. You said you trusted me. I'm not going to ask you to do anything that isn't in your best interest."Without knowing what it is, Jill takes the pill as Maggie instructed. She doesn't realize it, but her session has already begun. As they eat, Maggie asks her what she knows about her accident, like how it happened and if she knows how long she was hospitalized. She asks her how she feels when someone asks her about her scar, and how she feels when she knows someone's looking at it.She tells Maggie what little her mom told her about it. She knows she had a cold when it happened and a hot-water vaporizer tipped over on her. She knows she was in the hospital for six months, but her mom never wanted to tell her much whenever she tried asking about it.By the time they get to Maggie's home, Jill's very relaxed and focused on her scar. Maggie's gotten her to focus on it without her even realizing it. They brought leftovers from the restaurant, and after Maggie puts them in the fridge, she gives Jill a tour of her home.Jill's impressed with her Jacuzzi inside a glass-enclosed patio. Her backyard yard is landscaped like an enchanted garden, and beautiful large potted plants adorn her lovely patio. After Maggie's shown Jill the rest of her home, she takes her into a bedroom.She has Jill take another pill, and they sit together on a small couch in the bedroom. After Maggie talks a few minutes to let the second pill take effect, she turns on a music metronome and sets it on on a slow,* tick... tock... tick... tock."Are you feeling relaxed, Jerry?""Yes, I'm very relaxed. It feels good being with you.""Good..." Maggie says. "I know you trust me, Jerry. You DO trust me... don't you, Jerry?""Yes, I trust you.""Good. I want you to close your eyes for me now.. I don't want you to open them until I tell you. Can you tell me your name?""My name is Jerry.""Very good, Jerry. Before I take you into trance, I need you to be nude for this next part. Do you trust me enough to take your clothes off for me... Jerry?""Yes, Maggie. I trust you."Jill's already in a pretty deep trance when she stands up and takes off her clothes. "Good, Jerry... now, I'm going to lead you to the bed, and I'd like you to lie on your back for me."Maggie's already pulled the blankets and sheets to the foot of the bed. She takes Jill's hand, leading her to the edge of the bed, and Jill lies on her back, as she was instructed."Very, very good Jerry."She gets a large ball from a closet, and places it on Jill's chest. "Do you feel the ball on your chest, Jerry?""Yes, I feel it.""Put your arms around it. Hold it there and breath very deep breaths for me, Jerry."The effects of the second güvenilir bahis siteleri pill take Jill into a deeper trance as she takes deep breaths and hears the constant tick... tock... tick... tock... of the metronome. Maggie turns off the lights, and Jill can sense the darkness as she slips deeper and deeper into trance."What you're holding on your chest Jerry, is your scar. Your scar is weighing on your chest, Jerry. How heavy is your scar, Jerry?""It's not heavy. I don't feel much weight at all.""It's 1974 right now. You're twenty-four years old. You've learned to carry your scar in such a way that you hardly even notice it, haven't you, Jerry.""Yes, I don't feel it.""When was the last time you thought about it, Jerry? When's the last time you talked about your scar?""When Rosy asked me about it.""How did that feel?""I was sad to talk about it, but Rosy made me feel better. We're very close. She understands me.""Does everyone understand?""No. Sometimes it makes me sad.""When did someone make you sad about it?""When Norm asked me about it. He didn't mean to make me sad, but I cried about it when I was alone."Jill feels the ball suddenly get heavier."Very good, Jerry. Now, we're going to go backward. We're going back in time. It's 1969, where are you?""I'm in my apartment at college, with my roommates.""What's going on?""They're making fun of me.""Why are they making fun of you?"Jill pauses, she feels the ball getting heavier, she hears the constant tick... tock... tick... tock."Because I don't have a girlfriend. Because girls don't like me. Because I've never had sex. Because I'm skinny. Because I have a scar on my arm. I feel so ugly.""What are you doing about it?""Nothing. I want to cry, but I know how to hold it back. I'm going in the Army next week, I'm getting out of there.""Good Jerry. Take some more deep breaths for me. I'm going to give you a little shot in your arm. It'll help you relax more. Keep taking deep breaths. Keep holding your scar on your chest."Jill feels a sting as Maggie injects a dose of sodium amytal into her arm. Jill's been going deeper into trance for thirty minutes and she goes much deeper as the sodium amytal gets into her bloodstream."Are you more relaxed now, Jerry?""Yes, Maggie. Thank you. The shot feels good.""Very good, Jerry. Now, we're going farther back in time. We're going back to 1964. Where are you now?""I'm in my room. I'm scared. I'm starting high school tomorrow.""Why are you scared?""Because it's a big school. No one likes me. I don't have nice clothes like the other kids.""Let's take a look in your closet, Jerry. Look at your shirts. Are they long sleeve, or short sleeve?""They're all long sleeves. I hate short sleeves.""Why do you hate short sleeves, Jerry?"Jill doesn't want to answer. But with the sodium amytal going into her brain, and the constant tick... tock... tick... tock... she has no choice but to answer."I hate short sleeves because people will see my scar. I want to hide it. I hate it!""Is that why girls don't like you, Jerry?""Yes, but I don't like them either.""Why is that, Jerry?""They always make fun of me, that's why. I'm afraid of them. But I want to be like them.""How do they make fun of you? Tell me a time when they made fun of you."Jill has tears when she tells Maggie, "When we went on band trips, some girls would say, 'Hey, Jerry'... and when I turned to say something, they all started laughing at me.""Do you know why?""One of my friends told me it's because I always pulled my arms into myself and cured up when I tried to talk to them. That's iddaa siteleri why they laughed.""How heavy is the ball on your chest now, Jerry? How heavy is your scar?""It feels heavy. I want to put it down.""Yes, you want to put it down, but you can't, it's your scar. You want it to go away, but it won't go away, will it?"Jill starts to cry before she can say, "No, it's never going away.""No, it's not." Maggie says."Let's go back a little further. It's 1960, where are you?""I'm at school, I'm in fifth grade. I'm playing with some girls. We're cutting out paper dolls. I'm having fun, but some boys start making fun of me again.""Why are they making fun of you?""Because I'm playing paper dolls with some girls. They're calling me a sissy. I don't like it, but I like playing with girls more than I like playing with boys. I'm not like the other boys, and they hit me sometimes, too."Jill's crying heavily now, and the ball she's holding feels like it weighs a thousand pounds."Keep remembering how that feels, Jerry. Keep breathing for me. Experience that feeling."Jill cries out loud in agony as she re-lives those terrible moments... memories she's pushed so deep into her subconscious, all those years ago."We're going back a little farther now, Jerry. It's1954. You're four years old. Do you remember where you are?""It's Christmas, and we're at Uncle Jim's farm with all my aunts and uncles and all my cousins. We just opened presents. My dad is yelling at me because I want to play with the girls' toys. I don't want to play with mine.""Did anyone make fun of you that day?""My cousin did. She said I had poop on my arm. But it was my scar. I started to cry, cuz she made fun of my scar.""Feel it, Jerry. It's happening right this every second. She's making fun of you right now."Jill cries louder and harder. She can hardly hold the ball anymore, it's a ten-ton weight on her chest. She's crying like a little kid because, in her mind, that's what she is right now, a four-year-old kid."OK, Jerry, you've done very, very good. Stay with me now. No matter what happens... stay with me. Now we're going back to the beginning. It's 1950, you're four months old. Can you remember anything?"As she searches her mind, the ball becomes weightless. She stops crying and just lies there cooing like an infant. "I'm trying to move my arms," Jill recalls, "I'm in my crib, I'm trying to make sounds.""Can you remember the sounds you hear?""My mom's tickling me and trying to make me laugh, but I don't know-how. Sometimes I hear bad sounds, my mom and dad are fighting.""Good Jerry. Now we're going forward a month, you're in your crib, you're not feeling very well because you have a cold, remember?""Yes.""What happened then?"Terror comes into Jill's body. She remembers the moment the vaporizer fell on her, covering her arm with boiling water. She starts screaming and throws the ball off her chest. Her body shakes and rolls all over the bed as she shrinks herself into a ball as tight as she can."What's going on, Jerry? Tell me what just happened.""No! No! Nooooooo!" Jill shrieks."Yes you can, Jerry. You know what happened. Tell me what happened.""I c...c...can't!""Yes you can. You trust me, Jerry. You trust me... So tell me what just happened."Through the tears and the screams, Jill yells out, "I'm burning! Hot water is all over my arm. Aaaaaaagh! It hurts! It hurts so bad! Help me! Help me, Mommy! I'm burning up! I just got born, now I'm gonna die!"While Maggie's been leading Jill deeper into the forbidden places of her subconscious, she's taken her clothes off, except for her panties. As Jill cries and screams, she turns off the tick... tock... of the metronome and gets up on the bed with Jill, taking her trembling body into her arms."There, there, Jill, mommy's here. Let mommy hold you." Maggie comforts.