Collateral Damage

It is the end of a very long day of a very long week. Seems every other call and visit involves an intense flu virus that?s sweeping through our county like an invading army. Few escape untouched.Susan walks in for the last appointment of the day looking like one of the recent victims. Classic symptoms, a story heard a couple dozen times today. After listening to her symptoms, a simple exam looking for bad beasties in eyes, nose and throat. Moving behind her, a light touch to neck glands brings a flinch and then, gradual relaxation. Lingering for a few moments, massaging her neck and shoulders, the stirrings begin, noticeable in us both.Next, the regular spiel: rest, water, these herbs, those meds. Ha! Rest. I always say it first. It never seems to register, especially out here. Ranchers, loggers, farmers don?t get sick days. Can?t call in sick ?cuz there?s no one to call in to.Susan nods her head and looks miserable enough to follow some of the advice, probably not rest. A mother of three young children she?s in supermom mode and normal human requirements like sleep, food and exercise aren?t on the agenda. Usually they just want something so they can keep going. Personally, I consider it malpractice, which means bad practice. Push ourselves when we really need to rest leads to all kinds of disease. Bad practice.Of course, when you are 22 none of that seems relevant. Susan takes the herbs, writes down the meds, doesn?t get up. I?m ready to go home. She?s just sitting there.?Anything else??In the corner of my vision I notice Wolf materialize and her presence changes the air in the room. My tired senses sharpen and I listen more closely. Susan looks from side to side then stares out the window toward the mountains. Wolf paces the room and circles repeatedly around her.Over the years I?ve learned patience and the importance of listening. I sit and feel the earth and listen to my breath, Wolf?s breath and Susan?s breath. The sun is starting to set and golden light fills the room.A tear forms in Susan?s eye. She quickly brushes it away. I smile. She looks at her lap, then me, several times. Wolf curls up at her feet.?Gina said? I should talk with you.?Of course. Here we go. Wolf doesn?t appear for a pesky flu virus. The tears keep coming and she gives up wiping them away.?She said? she said you helped her.?A deep breath and Gina?s story flows through the room. Wolf settles in. I feel my heartbeat along with Wolf?s and Susan?s and Gina?s.?Yes, Gina and I worked together. Did she tell you about it??Susan shakes her head no. No, of course. She never does. And, her intuition is golden. I scoot my chair forward until our knees touch and take Susan?s hands in mine.?What?s going on??She pauses. ?Everything? everything is screwed up?there are nightmares, almost every night. Violent.* I wake up in a cold sweat and exhausted, then the kids need me.* My husband is gone most of the time.? She begins to tremble, her eyes darting sideways seeing if anyone can hear. ?I feel like I?m in the nightmare all day, then all night. I don?t know if I can keep doing this. I think? I?m going crazy,? comes stumbling out followed by deep sighs, more tears.*I smile. I?m working on a sign for the front door: it takes a little bit of crazy just to enter.I slide one knee between hers and pull her closer as she unravels and falls apart in my arms and it all comes spilling out. The pent up suffering unwinds and Wolf rises to walk a circle around us. A flitting movement in the corner appears and I feel the shadows drawn to suffering. When they sense Wolf they stop cold. Some flee immediately, some retreat a bit and watch, waiting for an opening.Wolf is the name, image, symbol for my great-grandmother, whom I never met. I actually don?t know if it is her exactly or some combination, permutation or gestalt of her. Whatever and whoever, I appreciate the support. I?ve dealt with the shadows by myself before. I know.The elders call me an old soul; this isn?t my first rodeo. I know things that I?ve never been taught because I know Wolf. And Coyote. Coyote is Wolf?s great-grandfather. There are others as well, before and after. Wolf and Coyote visit most frequently. From Coyote to me is six generations and that?s just one short link in a continual chain of healers, shaman and witches that extends for millennia. The names change through the centuries, the work is the same.Susan?s breath is calming down and she softens into my embrace. Relieved of some suffering, her face is soft, open and relaxed. The shadows draw near, Wolf snaps her jaw and they flee. For the moment. Wolf slides her head under my hand and I hear Susan?s story flow through my heart.She stirs a bit then sits back. ?I don?t know what to do?.?I smile, ?That?s okay.?She?s puzzled, ?How did you help Gina???We talked.??You talked? That?s it?,? incredulously.?Well, avcılar escort bayan yes and no. We talked and then,? these first words are always the most challenging, ?we also had tea.?Susan erupts in laughter that borders on then slides right into hysteria. ?Tea? You?re kidding me? Tea?? This moment is close to a very intense edge. I chuckle. ?You?re telling me tea? I need a major antidepressant? Tea?? And the tears return and a gentle pull brings her into my chest.Step one and she hasn?t bolted from the room. Good sign.Gina can read these women well. She knows because she?s been there and we walked that path together. At some level they see that in her and trust enough to show up. They don?t all come, some not for a while. When they do?.Wolf is one you don?t mess with. Even if she loves you there is a firmness and strength that accepts no foolishness. Coyote is different. He?s a jokester and a prankster and he laughs most all the time. When Coyote stops laughing is the time to pay close attention.They mostly appear separately, though sometimes together. The bond between them is difficult to describe. He teases her, she snaps at him. It would be the mistake of many lifetimes to try to get between them. They seem like brother and sister that have seen everything over many centuries. The bond runs deep. The love is palpable. The strength is steel and the power is formidable. I learn from them and those they learn from.In Wolf?s time it was a phase of epidemics. Smallpox, typhoid, rabies could take out most of a town in a year. Coyote dealt with war, an ongoing war that never let up. And not just the casualties of war, also the torture and fear and starvation and enslavement that ripples outward. They call it collateral damage.That?s Susan?s diagnosis: collateral damage. There?s not an ICD insurance code for it; therefore, its not considered real. The current treatment is, frankly, primitive.Susan moves back and visibly pulls herself together. Step two: Supermom resurfaces. ?You?ve gotta have something better than tea.? She looks at me like maybe I?m the one that is crazy, not her. Professionals call this projection.Whether Coyote or Wolf or me, healers, shaman, witches have all been crazy. Often we are hermits in a mountain cave, banished to the deep dark forest, or barely tolerated at the extreme edge of the village. Parents warn their children of us and tell scary stories. Until the child?s fever won?t break or the bleeding won?t stop or the broken body is dying. Then, they bring them to us. And leave as fast as they can. Humans are a funny species.Susan looks expectantly for an answer. I listen to my breath and feel roots from my feet sink into the earth. Wolf shakes her mane and settles down. One shadow inches closer.I look toward the window and Susan?s gaze follows. The sun has set and following is an evolving sky canvas of blue to purple to black. Somewhere in that transition, Venus emerges and the lesser stars follow. This moment is why I am here. It?s a precious moment, so full of?everything. A human life on a precipice.*Subtle.*A balance. Movement can go off in infinite directions. Pure potential. Quiet.?It is so beautiful.?Susan nods, still gazing at the dusk sky.?And you are just as beautiful.?Then, the tears return and she crumples in her chair.I continue, ?You trust Gina???Yes.??Why???She?s?got it together.??One day, she walked in here just like you.??No way. She?s so strong.??Yep.??She didn?t take antidepressants???Nope.??You?re not going to give me any, are you???I?d rather not.?Another long pause. Susan looks me directly in the eyes from some far-off place that seems like forever.?Gina did this??I nod. Something shifts, Wolf rises, the shadows disappear to wherever they go. Softly, Susan says, ?Okay. What?s next???We find a time to get together at my place, not here.??To do what???Talk. We need to let it out.?She looks uncertain, ?And have tea???Yes, and have tea.?And she laughs, a soft little sighing laugh. Step three: she laughs. Good sign. Gina can get them to the door. They each have to walk through.** * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * *___________________________**Two decades of formal education did not prepare me for this visit. That training has value in certain situations, not for what will follow Susan through the door.Coyote taught me this kind of preparation. The night before I sit quietly most of the evening, letting the debris and flotsam of the day, week and month dissolve. When it feels calm, I slip into my bed outside under the great oak drifting along with the stars, soft breeze and critter sounds. When I hear Coyote, I find that in-between place, not awake, not asleep. Then, we take a journey together.In this state, I can keep up with him, in fact, it is effortless, mainly because I ride the wind with him. beylikdüzü escort bayan We head up the ridge line and follow a sky trail he knows well and I?m slowly learning. Some places are terrestrial and familiar, some are not. Occasionally, he pauses at a giant fir and lifts his hind leg, looking seriously at me, then erupts in howling laughter. He might find the scent to get back, not sure I could.Tonight we move through a fiery skyscape. Searing heat seems to burn something off, maybe karma, without any obvious damage. The heat is mesmerizing, total, and feels like the center of our sun. After several looping spirals through the fire we dive into a mountain core. The first time we did this I balked and came to sprawled on the ground with a goose egg on my forehead and a splitting headache.* Since then I?ve learned to relax into it.We alight on the floor of a stadium size, cavernous room.* A blue light appears from Coyote?s chest and expands until the entire space is illuminated. Coyote settles in and I follow. Stillness and quiet permeate the air, space, rocks, us.*Eventually I begin to hear a story of how the next day will unfold. Not like watching a movie, more like sitting next to a river with eyes closed while feeling and hearing it flow. Currents. Many currents. Not just the story, also all the elements, variables and dynamics at play beneath, around and intertwined within the story that are not always seen at the surface. There is no cause and effect. There is no guarantee how it unfolds; it can move in infinite directions. Awareness of the context can be useful in the moment.Everything quiets again for a long while. I open my eyes sitting on my bed under the oak tree watching the pre-dawn sky subtly shift colors. Coyote sits for a few moments and gets up to leave whispering, Rest, then go to the river.I sit with the dawn feeling empty and clean. Something about dawn touches my spirit like nothing else. Others go to movies, a concert, a ballet. I sit with the dawn.When the birds begin their morning chorus, I rise to meet this day. Even though chill night air lingers, the internal heat of the night journey remains. Walking through the garden, I listen to the chattering plants and see if they need tending. I nibble a leaf here and there, less from hunger, more for combining their essence with mine. After a journey like that, I often don?t eat for days; no need to.The rising sun slowly warms the ground, mist whispers linger over the river. I slip off my clothes and step into the water, the coolness welcome after the heat from the night. With each step the water rises, covering ankles and knees then thighs. As it floods my pelvis, I feel my pussy tighten sending a rippling response up my spine. I sink down to my neck and let my friend bathe me.Grabbing a hollow reed to breathe, I slip under the surface and float, weightless, dark, quiet. River?s currents fondle my body like a lover and it responds in kind. Each liquid touch of awakens a part of me. The sensations are exquisite, subtle, rhythmic, flowing, a full-bodied continuous caress.The sexual buzz intensifies. I feel it echoing from cells to brain, from hard nipples to clit. On another day, I?d stay longer; today there is more to do. Standing, water cascades from head to shoulders, curve of breasts and pert nipples to rounded hips. Sunlight shoots sparkles through the water drops and the full-body arousal grows.I move slowly and fluidly, like river water itself, to the center current. Here there is a place where I can lie down, feet braced against rocks, and let a small waterfall angle over my head. The pulsating, coursing current cleanses deeply and feels invigorating, from crown to toes. My breasts bob up and down with the flow, their nipples hardening more with these sensations. Vibrations flowing through my body are continuous, the river never letting up.I turn around, propping my legs on the rocks allowing the cascading waterfall directly onto my pussy. My pelvis floats in the water, rocking back and forth as the current pounds continuously against my swollen clit. *Arousal shifts to ecstasy and I follow wherever it leads, a huge broad swath across the universe. River doesn?t stop and neither do I. I stand it continues. I walk toward the shore and it continues. It feels like walking on water, my spirit body floating above, lifting this physical body higher.Walking is exquisite. Soft, warm, yielding earth, prickly grass and pebbles tease my soles. I lie naked on my favorite rocks, letting the river water bead and drip, the warm morning sun baking my body. It is luscious to be immersed in this ecstasy, as if I?ve never left the river. Warm pressure of round rocks against my back and bottom. Sun beam pulsing into my chest. A continuous deep cello throb reverberates from perineum to esenyurt escort clit, ovaries, heart, pineal gland creating a vibrating crystal*body capable of subtle*energetic transformations. Pure potential.The sun continues its natural journey through the sky. River has its journey. So do I.** * * * * * * * * * * * * *** * * * *________________________________________*Living at the end of the road has advantages like, seeing people approach a half mile away. When Susan?s flatbed leaves the highway, a dust cloud kicks up as it hits the dirt road. Better than a doorbell. Standing on the porch, I watch as she bounces out of the rig: blonde ponytail, dusty jeans, tattered work shirt and red bandanna around her neck. Classic rancher girl just out of the barn. I feel my pussy throb. Her boots hit the porch and I hug her, smelling straw, dirt, sweat. The throbbing intensifies.?Come on in.??Sorry I?m a mess. Just barely got the chores done and didn?t have time.? I place a finger on her lips. She seems relieved. A brief tour of the small farmhouse and we finish at the kitchen. Two steaming teacups await, I offer her one.?This the tea?,? She asks with a giggle.?Yep.??What?s in it? Doesn?t smell like Lipton?s.?She sniffs and waits for an answer before trying it. I chuckle, ?No, not Lipton?s. Just some herbs from the garden.? I take a sip, she watches to see if I turn green or die, then takes a small taste.?Here, let me show you the garden.? We walk out back and I give her the tour, showing off this or that flower. ?This one is in the tea. This one, too.?She points at a vine, ?How about that???No, for another time, maybe.?She continues to drink her tea as we walk around raised beds. Vegetables and herbs intermingle in a wildness that doesn?t look like a typical garden. ?Why so many weeds???Not weeds, they?re medicine.??Oh, come on, dandelion, that?s a weed.??The leaves are more nutritious than spinach. The root is a fantastic detoxifier, relieves headaches they are at her place now. Without her, I couldn?t? I couldn?t do this.? I smile deeply looking around the room at all of Wolf?s gifts.?Yeah, I know what you mean. We can?t do it without them.?I move to sit next to her, putting my arm around her shoulders. She leans into me. Quiet for a while and then, ?We hardly talk much anymore, we don?t do fun stuff together. He hardly touches me. Well, he fucks me, but he doesn?t touch me. Does that make sense?? she questions pleadingly, looking through tear filled eyes for an answer that would make it all go away.?Yeah, I get it. He fucks you, he doesn?t touch you.?Hearing me repeat her words unleashes remaining pent-up feelings and she collapses into me, sobbing. We sit like this for a while. Just sitting.*Quiet.*Sobs.*Sniffles.*Quiet.Finally, ?Just talking about it gives me a headache. It feels like my throat is crammed full, my stomach hurts and I could puke. God, it wasn?t supposed to be like this.? I brush her forehead and rub her temples. ?That feels good.??Let?s go outside, it?s nicer out there.? We walk out to the bed/couch under the oak tree. I sit cross legged at the end of the couch. ?Lay your head in my lap and lie down. I can work on some points on your neck and head for the headache.? She gets comfortable and so do I. Her face is tense, troubled. She seems exhausted from carrying it all around.Cradling her face, I let my hands do what they do best: find this point and then another, feeling, pressing, gentle stroking. Susan sighs a few times, her face softening. I feel the tension dropping away. Until her eyes pop open, looking me straight in the eye.?Are you trying to seduce me??I shake my head, meaning, I?m not trying.I return, ?Are you seducing me??Frowning, she looks thoughtful, chewing her lower lip. ?I?m not sure?.?Placing palms over her eyes, ?Good answer.?I continue gently stroking her face, pressing points on her neck. Simple touch brings a softening, more relaxation then softer breaths and she lays limp in my hands. I relax, too and wait, pulling a cloak up, touching ba gua: earth, sky, fire, water, wind, thunder, lake, mountain.** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ______________________________________________*The brilliant sun softens as some black clouds move in from the west. A small breeze grows slightly stronger. Gradually, the sky darkens and wind begins whipping tree branches;*Storm moving in. Eyes half open,*half closed, I keep watch. It doesn?t take long before smoky wisps form finger shadows trailing through some brush. Slowly an inky gargoyle looking creature appears, bulging eyes and sharp canine teeth.* The odor swirling around it smells like greed and decay. Searching, it quickly zeroes in on Susan?s vulnerable form.I scan the room for Wolf and Coyote, nowhere to be seen, though they are there in the back, somewhere. This one is up to me. I call it continuing education.Its eyes light up and a snaky tongue licks cracked lips. Susan licks her lips. It takes a step forward and she turns toward it, her eyes darting under closed lids. From its groin a prick appears growing huge, a sword waving side to side, leaking copious fluids.