Wanting Beauty

**Note from author: This is my first attempt at writing one of these. I should state up front that while this story is primarily a gay love story, it also includes heterosexual sex and attraction - some parts may be more appealing to whomever finds this than others. I can't see much I would change re-reading it so this is hardly an unbiased open call for criticism, but I hope you enjoy it, identify with it, feel it, and respond.**
Chapter 1: Infatuation
Marshall was a gawky 18 year old. He dressed like a nerd, wore glasses, and had endured the worst of puberty while also wearing braces, ensuring he would never draw the eye of the beautiful girls he went to school with. He pined his way through high school as one of the caste of people who wonder at intimacy and compensate with energy.
He had friends. And they laughed at his jokes. They indulged his mood swings and drew out his sincerity and depth.
He wrote poetry, of course.
And he spent every minute with his friends - from hang-outs during lunch, to sleepovers with video games, to just carousing about aimlessly with the freedom of youth and a car.
At 18, as Marshall graduated, he was, essentially, still a child.
That summer, Marshall met Trinity, who had just returned from Japan, where he'd been stationed as a military translator. Trinity was the younger brother, though older than Marshall, of Marshall's friend, Cliff, who Marshall often hung out with after school.
On first meeting Trinity, Marshall immediately pressed him with all of his personality, exploring how deep their inevitable friendship would go. Trinity, in turn, responded with intense sincerity of his own: talking with Marshall about his poetry late into the night, feeling the deep bond of music together, and unabashedly being close to him - something that felt personal for how different he was with everyone else.
Trinity could seem the calmest person you'd ever meet, but Marshall recognized vulnerability. Trinity's eyes sparkled as he smiled, putting everyone at ease, but Marshall saw a hint of danger. Trinity was sexy and confident, even with a girlfriend, effortlessly drawing every girl's attention to him... and, to Marshall's surprise, his own.
Trinity looked enough like Marshall that at first Marshall assumed it was a sort of narcissistic fascination: he was lean, like Marshall, though Marshall was taller, but his muscles showed more; he had messy, dark hair, same as Marshall, but his seemed more styled; his eyes were dark and deep - seeming to bore into you from universes within, while the darkness in Marshall's eyes simply glinted - hinted, in reflection.
Trinity was a blazing beacon in Marshall's orbit and, before long, Marshall found himself drawn in.
Trinity laughed when he saw Marshall trying to smoke a cigarette before sympathetically helping him do it without looking like a fool.
Trinity stood up for Marshall when Marshall seemed to drag everyone down with his emotions.
Trinity told Marshall he was beautiful.
Marshall remembered that moment. Marshall would always remember that moment.
Trinity was bold and Marshall was eager to follow.
By the end of that summer, Marshall's untouched, lonely imagination began including Trinity, too.
Chapter 2: The Adonis Belt
At the end of that summer, Marshall moved away to college, but made it a point to return on the weekends to visit his friends - especially Trinity, to share the music of the moment, new poems he'd written, to fall back into the comfort of eager jokes as they whiled away time just being with each other.
Sometimes he would stay with Cliff and Trinity, once opting to sleep beside Trinity in his bed. Marshall's heart thundered with Trinity lying beside him, both of them in their boxers, as Marshall considered the moment, restraining himself from moving an inch. While he lay there, he felt Trinity scoot closer, almost spooning him. The sensation elicited a war in Marshall's head between frozen terror and overwhelming peace.
Anyone might see us! Marshall thought. But then was impressed with how bold Trinity had been. Was he awake? Was this no big deal? Could he sense Marshall's secret thoughts? He'd read his poetry, talked with him about everything, had studied Marshall as thoroughly as Marshall had studied him. Where Marshall found Trinity intriguing contradictions and beautiful chaos, had he underestimated Trinity being able to see him for who he was? Had Marshall failed in the balancing act of revealing all of his self to Trinity while disguising how he felt about him?
But Trinity's closeness, whatever his motivation - whatever the consequence - subdued Marshall's anxiety steadily, allowing Marshall to love the moment and adding it to the confusing, volcanic torrent of his deep, secret love for Trinity.
When Trinity and Marshall's friends visited Marshall in his college town, Marshall shared his bed with Trinity, too. He had an excuse, he thought, since it was just a dorm and there were only two beds, but he knew his friends eryaman escort made assumptions. It doesn't matter, Marshall thought. Only this matters - this truth. This excitement.
Even the excitement of watching all the girls Marshall knew gravitate towards Trinity's cool charisma was fulfilling, watching Trinity lay on his bed with a cute redhead who declared for the whole room - all of whom must have known Marshall's interest - that she loved the indented lines that ran over Trinity's hips down to his pelvis, tracing one with her fingers. Marshall had that, too, he thought jealously, but seeing them on Trinity was somehow more erotic. Another image for later, he admitted to himself.
That night, as Trinity lay beside him, Marshall discreetly took in Trinity's hairless, lean body again, searching in the darkness for those lines as they slid out of sight, under his boxers. Marshall felt the coolness of his own cum pooling in his boxers, before he turned and closed his eyes, letting the night end.
Chapter 3: Do You Mean It?
On one of his visits back into town, Trinity asked Marshall to check out a video. When Marshall came into the room, Trinity played a video close-up of a dick being vigorously jerked off. Marshall turned away, disgusted. "What the fuck, Trinity?" Marshall asked.
Trinity shrugged and said, "So you didn't like it?"
"It was just some dick," Marshall replied. "God. Well, moving on, are you ready to go?"
On their somewhat awkward drive, silence lingered for a moment as Marshall considered what had just transpired. Trying to sound funny and totally not serious, Marshall broke the ice "I often times think it'd be easier to just be gay. It's hard to understand what to do with a pussy. Now cocks, on the other hand," Marshall turned smiling, "I've had a lifetime of experience."
"So you're not gay?" Trinity replied seriously.
"I mean," Marshall's heart quickened, hoping to sneak in a clue that it was only Trinity's cock he wanted, "I haven't tried it. I think it'd be easy, though. To suck one, I mean. But that doesn't mean anything." Marshall was out of breath as he finished saying that, still trying to keep his cool, looking straight forward, feeling Trinity looking at him thoughtfully.
Trinity's posture and silent consideration always left Marshall feeling exposed, ready to dart away or confess anything, and here he leaned back against the door, in his seat, as if to zoom out on Marshall. Nothing more was said of that for the rest of the night, as Marshall and he got high together back in his room and talked through the night in their customary, invigorating way.
That night, in the silent darkness of consciously trying to put themselves to sleep, Marshall's mind raced with his heart, going over their day again, trying to discern what Trinity was thinking, if Marshall had somehow failed the moment as clumsily as everything else to do with Trinity. As Marshall was feeling emotionally fraught, still coming down from his high, he felt Trinity shift and lean towards him.
"Did you mean what you said?" Trinity whispered, another of his friends sleeping in just the other room.
Marshall felt the intensity in Trinity's eyes even as he barely could see him, gambling on the unspoken suggestion and replying as calmly as he could, "Yes."
With that, Trinity reclined onto his back, sliding his boxers down just below his thighs, exposing, in the blue light from outside, the outline of his erection. It was bigger than his own, Marshall thought, as he looked at it, its head huge, like an imperial helmet. Trinity, impatient or nervous, looked at Marshall and moved his hand behind Marshall's head, guiding him closer. Marshall snapped out of his reverie and allowed himself to slowly close in on it, clumsily trying to produce saliva while he mechanically held it upright and took it in his mouth.
Trinity immediately groaned his gratitude, still trying to remain silent but encouraging Marshall by stroking his hair while Marshall tried to think what would feel good. He swirled his tongue around, trying to produce more saliva; he slid his tongue along his throbbing shaft; he suckled the tip, pushing more saliva under his tongue and sucking it back gently while flicking his tongue over it. Marshall's own cock was throbbing, too, as he moved between the intellectual assessment of what he was doing - listening to Trinity's constant, quiet humming, feeling the smoothness of the dick in his mouth - knowing it was Trinity's, taking in how heavy and wide it felt in his mouth - how long it took him to swirl his tongue around it; and the eroticism of the moment - which Marshall subjugated, trying not to do anything that would stop this pivotal experience, focusing solely on what they could pretend was a meaningless favor.
Trinity's grip on Marshall's hair tightened for a moment and Marshall could feel his saliva becoming thicker, assuming he had drawn some cum out of Trinity. The taste was no different than his cock, itself, sincan escort Marshall thought - kind of sweaty and pungently sweet. It all just tasted like what it felt like - every sense blending together, trying desperately to form a memory Marshall would certainly jack off to later. Perhaps Marshall was being too intellectual to be good at this - he was enjoying it, but he was having a hard time focusing and keeping silent until eventually Trinity gently pulled himself away, whispering "That was it. Thanks," before rolling over to sleep. Marshall lay there insecure all over again. Was that it?
Chapter 4: Fulfillment
Marshall struggled for days after that, allowing the obvious moment between he and Trinity to go unsaid but obsessing over how he could do it again and whether Trinity liked it - liked him.
One Autumn night, Marshall was driving Trinity around a rural part of town, listening to music and talking about all the profound things that occurred to them, when Marshall took the opportunity of them being alone to broach the subject.
"I liked giving you a blowjob," Marshall said as calmly as he could, his heart beating uncontrollably. "Sorry if I didn't do it well."
Trinity laughed and continued looking out the window, "That's a cool street name," pointing at the signpost illuminated by Marshall's headlights reading 'Moonlight Dr.' Turning back to Marshall, Trinity said, nonchalantly, "Will you blow me right now?"
Marshall looked back at Trinity and nodded, pulling over to the side of the abandoned road, turning off his car. Trinity seemed to shrug and pushed his seat back while sliding his pants and boxers all the way off. Trinity was already hard, the smooth skin of his shaft pulsing as it struggled against its already thick capacity. Marshall took in the sight of him - his mouth wetting instinctively - and tried to match his apparent calmness by leaning in and sliding his fingers against it.
Trinity gripped the back of Marshall's head and pulled it down to him; this time, however, Marshall determined to take it slower. He started by simply licking it with as much wetness as he could muster. Trinity's cock twitched back and forth as Marshall moved across it, sucking the tip and then releasing it to continue lubricating his bulging shaft. "That's good, Marshall," Trinity said, pushing his head down impatiently, as Marshall felt his own erection beg eagerly to take part.
Marshall filled his cheeks with saliva and opened his mouth just enough to run his lips over Trinity's hot helmet as it sunk in. Marshall broke the process into steps as he worked up his speed, pulling it in, swirling his tongue around it, then dropping his mouth down, keeping Trinity's cock moving as he worked it. Marshall felt Trinity lifting himself further in, keeping his hands pressing down on Marshall's head, insisting he take it all. Marshall gagged in the attempt, his lips parting for a moment while he sought air, spilling saliva and salt onto his chin and lips, before he gulped again, wrapping back around Trinity more securely. This time, Marshall allowed it to hit the back of his throat, gulping and pulling as it did, and feeling Trinity's muscles tighten as he flexed his hips upward with all his might. Marshall swallowed the gag and kept at it, slushing his tongue back and forth along Trinity's eagerly pulsating, heavy shaft, keeping his mouth in place and gripping the back of Trinity's hips to steel himself.
Trinity groaned and shuddered as he erupted straight into Marshall's throat, which he gulped easily, parting his lips again for air, before another hot blast slid down. Trinity kept groaning, his whole body insisting Marshall not move, as he spilled again and again into Marshall. It was dribbling over his lips and onto his carseat at this point, but Marshall dutifully kept at it, hoping the sensation of swallowing would make Trinity all the more euphoric, as Marshall, himself, quietly orgasmed in his pants.
"Damn, Marshall," Trinity huffed, smiling. "That was amazing."
Marshall was almost disappointed it was over as he reluctantly let Trinity slide out of his mouth before Trinity quickly lifted his pants back up and covered himself; but he was also hopeful. Trinity had enjoyed it. Marshall had done it again and Trinity had come - the arrangement was real; hopefully next time Trinity would make the request without solicitation. Marshall envisioned, his cock throbbing in agreement, any moment they were alone, Trinity taking his pants down and telling Marshall to blow him. The audacity of it thrilled him.
Chapter 5: You'll Feel It When You Pee Next
The next time came on another drive they shared but equally out of the blue. Marshall had driven Trinity home but they lingered in the car in his driveway. Without saying anything, Trinity pulled his pants down again and Marshall immediately moved, without saying anything in response, to blow him.
The experience was still new but their tacit arrangement made it feel perfunctory, etlik escort Marshall savoring Trinity's smooth, fat dick in his mouth, Trinity guiding Marshall through the process with his whole body. They rocked together in rhythm, Trinity thrusting and relaxing his groin while Marshall's tongue sloshed waves around him. It was the height of Marshall's erotic fantasies but also repressed, in some way, deprived of the profound meaning he needed in his relationship with Trinity. Still, it was nice. And it came naturally. He wondered why people didn't swallow - that experience, feeling Trinity tense, feeling each spasming blast of thick heat into his mouth and oozing down his throat was the best part. Well... maybe not the part Marshall would jerk off to later, returning his attention to memorizing every ridge along Trinity's length and the prominence of his velvet, rubbery head. This, Marshall thought, visualizing Trinity's giant cock - this is what I'll be dreaming of tonight.
As Trinity finished, Marshall greedily kept slurping it even as it drained and softened, until Trinity's hand reached under Marshall's chin to lift his eyes to look up at him, nodding and then turning to look out the window, as if struggling to confess something. Marshall pulled back, thinking he'd done something wrong and that he'd lost interest, before Trinity, still looking out the window, said, "I want to know what it feels like."
Marshall wasn't sure if he understood Trinity, but his own erection was nodding eagerly in his pants to the apparent suggestion.
Looking back at Marshall, then down at his bulge, Trinity said, "I want to blow you, too."??Marshall was shocked but recovered after a beat to push his seat back and slide his pants and boxers down, too. Marshall was not as big as Trinity, Marshall knew, but he hoped it looked good enough, that Trinity would like it.
"Did you already cum?" Trinity asked, observing how wet Marshall's tip was. Trinity smiled faintly and then leaned down to lick Marshall's shaft and kiss his tip a few times before sliding it into his mouth.
Marshall felt the roof of Trinity's mouth, the sides of his cheeks, and all the hot softness he applied with his breathy saliva. Marshall's dick quivered but he steeled himself, promising he would not go out that easily. Trinity's lips wrapped around him as he began sucking and sloshing Marshall with intensity, keeping his mouth in place. Marshall separated the sensations from the thoughts that raced through his mind as he looked down to just look at Trinity, fully engaged on him, his cheeks flexing and moving, his eyes only narrowly opened in the darkness.
Marshall's heart softened looking at him then pounded all the harder as he kept repeating to himself in a whisper, over the warm, wet sensation twirling around his cock, "Trinity. Trinity. Trinity." Marshall ran his fingers through Trinity's soft hair and stared at him as he somewhat logically decided he'd taken up enough of Trinity's time and let himself release. Marshall clenched his eyes shut involuntarily, hand still in Trinity's hair, as he thrust forward along Trinity's tongue to release again. He felt the ice cold sensation of euphoria, as if lost in space and floating away, as his spurts turned to dribbles and Marshall relaxed back into his seat. Finished, Trinity ran the back of his hand along his lips and leaned back while Marshall pulled up his pants.
"You'll feel it when you pee next," Marshall awkwardly said in attempt to reassure and connect. "I mean, it'll feel more forceful." Marshall was describing blue balls, he realized, mixed with the cum that lingered in the tip being forced out with the pee; he wasn't sure why he said it but he oddly thought Trinity would enjoy the sensation as an unspoken way of saying 'Thank you'. Trinity's face and tone were inscrutable to Marshall as Trinity replied, "Oh yeah?" before exiting the vehicle and heading inside.
Chapter 6: Eyes Forward
A narrow, darker vision settled over Marshall's eyes as time wore on - every chance seeing Trinity felt like a chance to get away with something new and daring, something that involved Trinity's cock; their deep conversations discarded as unnecessary pretext, their plans always the cover for what Marshall imagined was the moment of truth, his all-consuming lust taken as a new depth of sincerity. Marshall was addicted to Trinity.
When Trinity suggested they watch a porno together, Marshall assumed it would just be so Trinity could envision a girl while receiving from his eager stand-in. One night, Marshall brought Trinity back to his parent's house and pulled out his DVDs; Trinity was disappointed that none of them were gay porn. Marshall hadn't even conceived of that.
Marshall settled on one, turning it on, muted, as it illuminated the main floor's living room with its projection, Marshall preparing himself for what Trinity had in mind.
"Take off your clothes," Trinity said, tugging at his own belt eagerly.
Marshall did so.
"Now bend over in front of me," Trinity said, putting one hand on Marshall's shoulder to help push him down into position while his other hand stroked professionally. Marshall turned his face forward and leaned his chest down, unsure that he would enjoy this, feeling disconnected from the moment, his eyes disinterestedly watching porn actor sex on the screen before him.