HeShe is Typing Pt.02

[RECAP: Joanna is a married writer of thirty-four, mother of two boys. At her son's school play she meets Alan, a rookie teacher of twenty-seven, and the two quickly hit it off, establishing a texting-based friendship fed by off-the-cuff jokes and an interest in theatre. He becomes an outlet of sorts in the face of a stressful job and a marriage strained by infidelity. The communication with Alan grows more and more intimate until one evening it culminates in an impromptu session of phone sex. But Joanna and Alan are aware of each other's expectations. They both agree: it doesn't need to get complicated.]***JOANNAI'm at the mall, shopping for a present. There's a baby shower this Saturday for Pilar, one of the layout designers at the paper. She's the sweetest girl, about to have her first. I want to get her something she'll need, not just something she'll like. And here with me is Alan, holding up everything that he finds either cute or ridiculous, or both. At one point I figure he's had his hands on over half the store's merchandise. But in the end the suggestion that wins me over comes from him: a quick-trip diaper bag with magnetic closures and a translucent wipes case. That's Alan in a nutshell: at the core of the goofball there's a bubbling cleverness that's always ready for use. I wouldn't tell him this outright, but it adds to his charm. It's one more feather in his cap. Alan's a tall, burly young guy. Bearded, with smiling blue eyes and short, curly brown hair. Thick arms that fill up a short sleeve. A laid-back buddy-type who can be attractive when he wants to.We've mentioned our phone session from that night here and there. We talk about everything and this has been no exception. It hasn't weighed things down. He does touch me more now; he's kissed my head to punctuate a condescending joke here, taken the liberty to arrange my hair in a casual manner there. My own hands end up on his arm or his hair every so often. There's a certain implicit promise that something could happen again at some point, and at the same time a certain peace with the possibility that it might not again, ever. It's my reading of it, at least. I'm fine with where the pieces have fallen and don't dwell on it any longer than I have to. With him, I get to feel like not everything is horribly unmanageable. I feel airy. It's been a while.We get lunch. At one we're joined by Katie, my friend and coworker. She's heard plenty about Alan, but she doesn't know everything. Alan starts out trying hard with her, clearly hoping to make a shared friend out of her early in the game, but Katie's in a mood today and gives a challenge. A weird rapport develops. They enjoy trading jabs, but they'd find it hard to stand each other for long. If the lunch is fun, it's because they communicate either with me or with one another through me.At three Alan says goodbye, telling us he has grading to do. We don't schedule another meet-up right then. I know we'll later find an excuse for one."Take it easy, Katie. Smoking kills," he says on his way out, his jacket in hand."Bye. Have fun grading grammar or whatever," is Katie's retort."What's with the bitchy attitude today?" I ask in jolly tones once Alan disappears around the restaurant's corner."He gave me shit for smoking, he had it coming. Nice guy, though. Have you been out the whole morning?""Yeah, getting Pilar's present. Tough pregnant woman to shop for. But I also helped Alan pick out new shoes, first pair the guy buys in like a year. He was nearby for the farmer's market, so we met up." I get a mint candy into my mouth to stave off the cravings Katie's cigarette is giving me. "It was a fun morning. I wish you'd come earlier.""Clingy dude?""Alan? Not at all, I was the one who asked.""Huh. But he sure stayed past lunch.""Well, that's the point of lunch. You have to finish it."We bounce between a variety of topics, as is our usual ritual, until we land on my marriage again. She's been a constant ear on which to dump my woes, so I feel I owe her details. Henry, my husband, has not made things easy. He'll drop hints that I'm not close enough, not present enough, and he'll succeed at what he's clearly hoping for, which is to guilt me. But when I do make myself available, his mode switches to cold, distant, dismissive. Sometimes offensive, in low-key ways. I can tell he's been feeling rejected and that the distancing that has occurred between us - a natural follow-up of my decision to stay after his cheating, and an absolute necessity on my end - has taken its toll. He must feel that I'm harboring resentment still. I can't say that he's wrong. But I've given as much as I've felt capable of. Often more than that. In the past Katie has understood that I need space and she's told me before, adamantly, that I should create as much of it as I need.But her advice is different today. She asks me about Phillip from work. Has anything happened there? She's seen us flirt and I've told her about our risqué texting, which never went past that. There was a time when that felt like something we could joke about freely, and we've done plenty of that. Now she asks me bluntly... how far would I be willing to take it? Phillip is a non-issue for me at present, but as far as Katie knows, he represents the possibility of something from which there'd be no turning back. I know that if I were to tell her that I'm contemplating having an affair of my own, Katie wouldn't judge me. But she wouldn't pretend to approve, either. She's reached the point where she's worried about my decisions and hopes that I'll do the right thing for my family. Our rapport is often fun and games, goofy or raunchy jokes of the kind that we're too old for. But for this, she's perfectly capable of sobering up and allowing honesty to take over. That's something I have to appreciate....Phillip's got his eye on me. We're at the sushi bar across the street from our office, along with a dozen coworkers. The spot was picked as the site to celebrate the birthday of Walter, sports writer extraordinaire. Japanese liquor soon replaced sushi as the main course. They've now gotten to their seventh round, just as I'm about to leave. Phillip sent me his first text before I even arrived - then a few more followed during the party, with me just seats away from him. I met his gaze a couple of times to acknowledge my being aware of him. I wait until a trip to the bathroom to finally read them.PHILLIP: I'll be seeing you at Walter's thing, yes?PHILLIP: It's been a while.*PHILLIP: Jo, you look gorgeous today. I know a stealth twirl for my benefit is too much to ask for. But a guy can dream?*I brace myself Ümraniye Escort for the long, serious-looking one.PHILLIP: I'll come clean. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Your desk is the first thing I take a look at when I arrive at the office in the morning. It seems like just yesterday that we were fantasizing together... and we both seemed game for the ride. Am I wrong about that?*These lines shed new light on the glances and attention he's been throwing my way all evening. I feel bad about not reading them earlier... but not excessively. With Phillip it's been clear what he's after from the start. He's a "his reputation precedes him" kind of guy. He remains single by choice, he's a player, drama is not his thing. Our texted conversations have remained strictly in a certain line ever since I first started encouraging them, and he's never made the effort to steer them away from that, even when I did. Still, I'm well aware of my part in leading him on.I come out of the ladies' room and there he is. Leaning against the wall of this tight restroom alley, pretending to text on his phone. He then looks up at me with a smile, thus acknowledging the fakeness of his pose. It's charming. Getting chuckles from people comes easy to Phillip. It's the reason he's friends with everybody, and the reason I liked him."Hey. You look amazing today.""So you've said. Thanks. We had a press conference in the morning and I kept the duds for the rest of the day.""You didn't do the twirl I requested," he says, putting his phone in his pocket and making me the sole focus of his attention. "Imagine my heartbreak.""It's a cramped restaurant, dude. Any twirling could have knocked a tray off a passing waiter's hand, and then where would we be?"He knows that I'll just keep defusing his lines. He goes in for a big move."Could you feel me looking at you from across the table?" he asks."Phillip. I like you, dude. But nothing's gonna happen.""Just hear me out, you don't need to promise anything. But I admit it, I came here today hoping for something. I came hoping we'd get to finish what we started, and that we'd leave this party together. A bit drunk... but not too much. Don't laugh! Just hear me out. We'd get in my car and drive to the best hotel we could think of." He takes a step closer, lays his raised elbow against the wall and adopts a softer tone. "And as soon as we walked through the door, I'd get to do what I've been dying to for months. You know what that is, Jo? I'd get to stand behind you. Move your hair aside. And kiss your neck. Kiss your ears. And the side of your face.""Phil...""Then finally turn you around, lift you up and feel you wrap your legs around me. Lay you on that bed. And peel those pants off of you, and your panties after that. Bury my face between your legs. And finally fuck you, slowly but deeply... with you still wearing that white blazer."He finishes his speech with a tremulous sigh and a flushed face. I hear Katie's strident laughter all the way from the group's table. Even with a few drinks in her, I know she'd come in the blink of an eye if she knew what was happening."I get it, Phil.""Don't say anything just yet. I know that I'm making quite the request here. I don't want to smear this by adding pressure. It has to feel perfect, Jo, both for you and for me. But I'm confident, Jo. I know you want it too, I know you see yourself in that room with me. I'm betting it all on that.""What are you betting exactly?""I might well be wrong, but I'm ready to eat crow.""You don't have to eat anything. I know we flirted, Phil. I know I gave you hopes. This is on me as well. Believe me, at one point... I think I might have wanted it too." I let a deep breath inflate me with patience, the exact same thing I do when I have to lay hard truths on my kids. "It was hard not to be attracted to you. Look at you. You're one tall drink of water. That huge smile, that salt-and-pepper mane. You've got it going on, man. But Phil... I can't. I need to reign myself in while I'm able to. And I don't mean just with you.""What, are there other candidates?""No. No. What I mean is, it's not because of you. I just have to take the high road on this one."Phillip steps away, takes a quick look behind him and then looks back at me."Tell you what. Stay until after they bring Walter's cake, stay until he blows his candles. I'm gonna go wait at the paper's reception hall until 8. If I see you walking past me on your way to the parking lot, just head to my car and we'll leave together. It's OK. Just stay a little longer. Long enough to make up your mind."He throws me a last smile before turning around and making his way back to the table. He barely stays any extra time at all. He picks up his jacket and says his goodbyes to the group. He doesn't look at me. Katie puts her arm around me and talks really close to my face, letting me smell the Sake on her breath. I'm happy that she's having fun, and glad that she remains clueless regarding my conversation with Phillip. I wait long enough to be sure that I won't run into him in the restaurant's parking lot. Then I get in my car and start heading home....ALANI'm sure that Joanna's here tonight, her face one among dozens in the audience. Jack, her ten-year-old, is once again performing in a play, this time for the December talent show. The auditorium is fuller than I've ever seen it. Tonight's show is "Laika", about the dog sent to space by the Russians in 1957. Sally and I wrote the plot; the kids pitched in with their own ideas for the dialogue, adorned with thick Russian accents. Laika is played by little Lillian in a dog costume. Jack is one of the evil scientists. The play is poignant and funny, and the kids are all good in their roles. I'm very excited for the parents' response - but not as much as I am for Joanna's. I've invited her to come backstage after the show. I'm eager for it to be over so that I can see her. I haven't in a while.While the crowd takes their seats, a squad of fellow teachers and I move in and out of the stage for last-minute prepping. I feel at times certain that her eyes are on me, just like mine would be on her if our roles were reversed. I know she'll be coming with her husband. I don't mind, as long as she's here. I find myself searching the crowd with my eyes without meaning to... until I find him. The husband. There's no trace of his Facebook smile tonight. He's by himself; Joanna hasn't arrived yet. I notice later that he's saving her a seat to his left. But by the time the play starts, she's still a no-show. I swallow my disappointment and focus Ümraniye Escort Bayan on my job.It's not until the last third of the play that I see her come in. Her outline was recognizable enough, but I'm sure it's her once she takes the empty seat next to her husband. I smile to myself. Some five minutes before the end of the play, Joanna's husband gets up from his seat and leaves the auditorium. He doesn't come back by the time the lights go up and the audience erupts in raucous applause. This was the last feature of the evening. An army of kids spills out onto the aisles to be congratulated by their parents while the other teachers and I pat each other on the back for a job well done. A set of parents comes up to me with effusive praise for the evening. They keep me occupied for a while... even while my eyes are on Joanna, who's hugging Jack with a broad smile on her face. She never looks at me. I soon lose her from sight....I'm washing the post-dinner dishes when my phone buzzes in my pocket. To my right, Sergio does the drying while Hiranur, roommate number two, types relentlessly on his laptop over the kitchen counter. He says he'll do his vacuuming of the living room when he's finished. That he allows work to follow him home to this degree annoys the shit out of me. I take my gloves off and pull my phone out, my hopes set on whose message I want it to be. I get my wish.JOANNA: I'm so sorry.Below that first line is the icon that shows she's typing more. It takes her a while. I put my phone away and continue with the dishes. I've waited for Joanna long enough today.JOANNA: Don't think I forgot you were waiting for me, I didn't. I so wanted to go up to you and congratulate you for the play, which was absolutely fantastic... what I got to see of it. You should have seen Jack, he was so proud. I hope you are too. This sounds stupid, Alan, but I was proud of you myself. I think you're one talented guy. Everyone in that school ought to know how lucky they are to have you there. You deserved a tight, clingy, uncomfortably long hug from me, and it breaks my heart that I couldn't give it to you.I had made peace with going to bed tonight without hearing from her, much less any of these things. Yet here they all are.JOANNA: I arrived late because I was stuck at the office trying to meet a deadline. Then I arrived at the play and something unpleasant happened. I won't get into the details of it if you don't want me to. But it forced me to leave early to try to fix it, or at least contain it, to the extent that I could. I can say with certainty that it ruined my night... and many more nights to come. I'm not sure about what I can do. Or if anything I did would make any real difference. I'm not even sure I'm willing to do much more at this point.I hesitate. I don't want to pass up an opportunity to know more. It's not my business and this might be all that she's comfortable sharing... but I make a move regardless.ALAN: I saw your husband leave before the show was over.JOANNA: Yeah, that was him. He left because he'd said all that he'd been waiting to say.ALAN: How do you mean?JOANNA: He was eager to vent. I could tell, it was all pent-up. He made me feel like trash for arriving later than I said I would and for making work a priority... even though I had told him that tonight I might need to. He knew why. It didn't matter. He saw the excuse to attack and he pounced on it. Then in the parking lot, while the kids waited in the car, it got truly shitty. I said stuff, but he said worse. One thing in particular. And those are details that I definitely won't bother you with.In between exchanging these lines I leave the sink and move onto the living room couch, having left some of the cutlery unwashed. But it's fine, as neither Sergio nor Hiranur would feel obligated to touch them on a night when it's not their turn.JOANNA: He's apologized now. But it's been happening for a while. Me having to walk on eggshells around his insecurity. His pettiness at times. Not only am I tired of it... I can't believe I'm the one who has to be this apologetic and this fucking accommodating. It should be him.We've never been here before. Her married life was something that I always expected to remain forever unwrapped and unvisited. I'm not sure what to do with this sudden barrage of information... other than to keep listening.Joanna tells me the story. He had an affair with a business partner for several months. She found out about it, he didn't tell her. The woman was someone he'd had over at their house several times, someone Joanna had even become friends with. She found the woman's earring in the master bathroom that she shares with her husband, and she later confirmed the suspicions by checking his phone. It broke her heart. She came all too close to leaving him. He begged her not to, he owned up to everything and ended it immediately. He had his reasoning for the affair but didn't try to justify himself. He was sincerely sorry, Joanna says. She knows that for a fact. He didn't want to completely kill what they had - and after some time she figured that, for the sake of the kids, neither did she. So she stayed.JOANNA: But I don't know where I am anymore. This has messed me up big time. It's made me reassess everything. Absolutely everything. If he wasn't willing to make what we had the center of his world... why should I? I said I'd forgive him, but in all honesty, I haven't been able to do so completely. He's noticed and his response has been to punish me for it. He doesn't seem to realize that he's simply made it harder.JOANNA: We had something good. But he ruined it, not me.ALAN: You haven't given up, though. Otherwise, you would've left already.JOANNA: I haven't. I go back and forth with it. But I don't feel I can just yet.ALAN. Good. I hope it pays off. And that things work out for the best. Really, I do.ALAN: But I've missed you. Even if I understand why you've been pulling away. Or I think I do, at least.JOANNA: I think that if you were to tell me your reading of it, you'd be pretty much on the money.JOANNA: It's crazy how well we know each other by now.JOANNA: I've missed you too. More than you know.I let some time pass before my next line. I think of only one thing to say.ALAN: When you're done figuring things out, send me a line. I'd like to hang out again at some point. As friends. I'd like that a lot, actually.JOANNA: I'd love that. And I will.JOANNA: Thank you, Alan. For understanding....JOANNAThis feels like an empty day still.It's Friday. I spent the entire day covering a cocktail event thrown by city hall. By Escort Ümraniye request from my editor I stayed until the end, only to quickly grow bored of it and fall behind on work that I could've gotten a head start on. Now here I am, in fancy wear and back at the paper because I needed to come back for my big purse. Katie's convinced me, by way of non-stop pestering, to hit a club for drinks before heading home. I'm spinning on a revolving chair while waiting for her to shut down the glitchy laptop that's the target of her constant cussing... when Alan's text arrives.I wrote to him earlier today. We haven't communicated at all since the December talent show early in the month. We're now just days away from New Year's. He stayed all too true to his promise of giving me space. I decided on a whim, during a free moment at the cocktail party, that it was as good a time as any to renew friendly communications. I wrote, simply, that I hoped he'd had a good Christmas.ALAN: I sure did. A very t-shirt themed Christmas, though. I probably look like someone who's short on polo t-shirts, because I got no less than five of those. No joke.An Alan text in my inbox. I forgot how easily that could make me smile.JOANNA: Ooh. Wear 'em with a popped collar!ALAN: Hehe. I'd pull it off.JOANNA: Let me guess what you actually wanted. Music. And more music.ALAN: I would've loved some. But I'm joking, I like my new shirts.JOANNA: See, music and books is all I get nowadays. It's all people think I'll enjoy. They're worried about getting me the wrong size, so they stay clear from getting me something to wear. You know not how lucky you are.ALAN: Whatever, I'm spoiled. Let's trade stuff.Katie goes for a last trip to the bathroom. While still spinning on my chair, I ask Alan conversationally what he's up to tonight, in teasing tones that assume he has nothing going on. But he mentions a party.ALAN: It's the theatre guys behind the 'Gramping Amaze' musical, they're celebrating the super-successful year they had. They're inviting a talent manager, who's inviting a college buddy, who's inviting a bunch of us. It's supposed to be a wild one. I did not wanna go, I'll tell you that much. Sergio heard about it and got obsessed with me taking him. But I'll be seeing a lot of old friends, so that's fun.JOANNA: Well, you sound super excited.ALAN: OMG, I AM SO EXCITED. Not.JOANNA: Hehe. Dork. You're such an old man already.ALAN: Hey, why don't you come?Katie's back. I'm not in the mood for a loud party at all. I actually understand completely why Alan wouldn't want to go. And yet."Hey.""Almost done," Katie says. "Count till fifteen and we're out of here.""Do you want to hit a party?""Are you serious? Whose is it?"I ask Alan for directions and whether it's OK for Katie to come with. He writes: Sure. Every party needs a sourpuss.Then...I can't believe I got you to consider it....The neighborhood's leafy and posh, with pretty houses left and right. I've been here before for a birthday that Jack was invited to. With Katie's car driving in front of me, I slowly make my way around the corner, where attractive grunge-styled partygoers have spilled out from the sidewalk and now occupy the street at large. The house, full to the brim, is impossible to miss. This is the last place I'd expect to find Alan if I didn't know better.On the left side of the house there's a driveway that leads to where everyone is leaving their cars, a spacious backyard about four times the area of the residence. There's a casually-dressed pair of valets helping to coordinate the parking. Katie gets sent to the right, beyond the nice oak they've got planted right at the center. I'm told to go to the far left corner, right next to the shrub fence that surrounds the property - where some tricky parallel parking is required. As soon as I shut off the engine I pull out my phone to send Alan a line, but the signal is weak. I try to call him, but nothing."This looks fucking perfect," Katie tells me, looking up at the house as we make our way towards the crowded back porch."I know, right? You wanted booze and music and they look like they've got plenty." I keep throwing frustrated swipes at my phone screen. "Alan doesn't know we're here yet, I can't get a text out.""Whatever, you'll meet him inside. Do you think someone will have pot?""Pretty likely.""Fingers crossed," she says with a jittery chuckle.Inside the house I find to my relief that we're nowhere close to being the oldest people here. The only thing we may stand out for is my formal pantsuit - white blazer and pants, black sleeveless blouse underneath - but I'm likely the only one who'd care. The vibe is uninhibited, loud and sweaty, with laughter ringing from all sides and two full dance floors in two separate parlors. The front hall is lined with two tables set with every liquor in the book. Not a minute has gone by when we see our first bong. I feel Katie excitedly clenching my shoulder.Before I'm able to find Alan, I realize that Katie has started talking to two guys. Handsome, clean-cut, mid-twenties. It takes my ears a while to acclimate to the loudness."I said I'm Tim! And this is Derrick!""I'm Katie! Hey, Joanna, I think these guys think we're pretty!""We had our eye on you guys for a while! Since the moment you stepped through the door!" says Derrick."That's not even five minutes, is it?" I say."You guys look fancy!" says Derrick, eyeing my pantsuit. "Let me guess, talent agents? Or at least YOU are!"Katie and I share a laugh. "Totally."Tim and Derrick ask us who we're with, how we know the party throwers, what we do for jobs. Katie asks them offhandedly if they know Alan, but they say they don't. Just as Tim starts gravitating towards Katie's side, Derrick does the same in my direction, and I take it as my cue to leave. I tell Katie something in private and excuse myself as smoothly as I can.Only once I start looking for Alan do I realize how inappropriate it might be. He came here to hang out with his friends, not me. Still, he did invite me, and flirting with single men alongside Katie is not what I came here to do. I'll limit it to a hello and a quick drink before heading home, which is looking more and more tempting. The non-stop dancing of dozens of people is having the effect of a dialed-up heater, which compels me to linger by the open doors or windows whenever I pass them. I'm in the middle of taking off my white blazer when my eyes are drawn to a group of friends occupying two couches in the corner, right by the sliding back doors that lead to the porch. I get the sudden certainty that I'm about to recognize him. They're singing to the tune of two guitars. Alan's right in the middle, his cheeks a little reddened. They hold their tune earnestly, heaving and huffing, almost overpowering the loudness of the dance music. Until one of them screws up and they break down laughing. So endearing. This is the best possible way in which I could've found him.