Anna and Sam. Chapter 28

I opened my eyes and looked at the attractive but serious face which was watching me from the chair beside my bed. ?I didn't see or hear anything as I ran,? I told her. ?I didn't notice the man I bumped into and I didn't notice the busy road but worse, I didn't notice the lorry that was coming along it. The driver braked as hard as he could but he didn't have a hope of stopping or avoiding me as I ran out in front of him.? ?And that is how you ended up here, paralysed?? ?Yes. I broke my back and my neck when I went underneath the truck. It's been three years now and still no sign of any improvement. I don't think I will ever be able to walk again.? ?But you were completely paralysed at first though, weren't you, Anna?? I looked at her steadily. ?I was. I still am pretty much.? ?I seem to recall that you were on a life support machine for the first six months, weren't you?? ?Doctor, I know you are just trying to make me feel better, to give me hope but I deserve everything that has happened to me. I don't deserve to get better. The world is better off without me.? ?So you keep saying but you are wrong. I have sat here hour after hour whilst you have told me about all that happened. You are as much a victim as Sam and Philip are.? I looked at her again, directly in the eye now. ?You are a Psychiatrist, Helen. It is your job to 'cure' my sick mind but I know what I did. I know it was all down to my selfishness and nothing that you can say will change that!? ?Do you believe in God, Anna?? she asked out of the blue. I snorted. ?Oh yes, of course I do,? I answered sarcastically. ?Do you really think that if there was a God any of this would have happened. Why do you ask anyway?? The psychiatrist smiled.*?Because I find that when people have a strong faith they can move mountains. It really doesn't matter whether there actually is a Deity or not but the power of the Çukurambar escort bayan mind is an amazing thing.? ?I'm sorry,? I said, ?I don't follow.? She stared gently at me for a minute as I lay motionless in the bed I had occupied for twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for the past three years with just short breaks in a wheel chair. She took a breath. ?I have been a psychiatrist for almost*twenty years. I have many patients, some of whom, like you, are paralysed. What I am trying to say is that your body has made a pretty good recovery, considering.? I gasped. ?Are you saying I am putting it on, that I am not paralysed but just pretending?? She smiled benignly, ?No, Anna. I am not suggesting anything of the kind. What I am saying is that people who really believe that God exists, that he wants them to recover are highly likely to make that recovery, provided that they are sufficiently undamaged physically. A sort of placebo effect if you will.? I was puzzled. "You mean like the drug tests where half the volunteers are given fake pills?? ?That's right,? she agreed. ?You are exactly the same only in reverse. You have convinced yourself that this is your punishment for what you did and so your mind won't allow your body to work because you believe it won't. The point I made about the life support machine was that until you recovered physically enough to eat and breathe unaided, you really were paralysed but now you are out of danger your mind is blocking any further progress. Do you see?? ?Helen. Every week I go to the hospital for physiotherapy. My arms are just about strong enough to lift a fork. It doesn't matter how hard I try. How much effort I put into walking again, my muscles just won't work!? ?I know that, Anna. The physicians are baffled. They said that the reason that you were paralysed after Escort demetevler the accident was because the fractures in your spine had caused bruising and swelling around your spinal cord. When that dissipated and the bones healed, you should have been able to begin your recovery and yet, you are still unable to even so much as get out of bed.? ?You think I don't know that?? I hissed at her. ?Anna. You are subconsciously punishing yourself and you shouldn't be. You haven't done anything to deserve this at all!? ?How can you say that, Helen?? I asked her. ?You know what happened now. I have told you the whole sorry tale down to the tiniest detail! I ruined Sam's life and Philip's. If I had kept my desires in check none of this would have happened. I always thought I was strong but how wrong I was. I am weak and selfish and this is the result. It would have been better all round if that lorry had killed me!? The doctor raised her eyebrow. ?Still selfish then, Anna? How do you think that poor driver felt when he couldn't avoid you? He was devastated enough that you were so badly hurt. He blamed himself at first and it took quite a while before he could get behind the wheel again. How do you think he would have felt if he had killed you?? Her words were like a sledgehammer blow to my chest. She was right! I had been selfish, right from the start! I was so weak willed that I had run away rather than deal with what I had done! ?Who do you think has suffered the most out of all this, Anna?? she continued, ?Philip? Sam? Penny even? What about your mother? Do you want her to go to her grave thinking that her only daughter is broken physically as well as mentally? Well, do you?? I didn't answer her. I knew she was right and yet... I closed my eyes, trying to shut her out but all I could see were the sad and anguished faces of all the dikmen escort people who's lives I had destroyed. ?All right, Anna, let me ask you something. How do you feel about being alone now?? My eyes snapped open and I glared at her. ?What do you mean?? I said angrily. ?I thought you were supposed to cure me, not chastise me!? ?Oh Anna! I am not chastising you. I am just trying to make you understand so that you can start again with your life. You can't can't spend the rest of it like this, dependent on those who love you.? She was doing it again, making me feel guilty, making out that I was a burden on... but she was right, I was a burden on everyone. I sighed. ?You are right,? I whispered. ?It would have been better all round if that lorry had killed me.? ?Oh for heavens sake, Anna. Will you listen to yourself!? She exhaled noisily. ?All right then, you told me everything, yes?? I nodded. ?So what makes you so unhappy now? Why are you so lonely?? I couldn't answer. ?It has a name, Anna. It is called self-pity and it is extremely destructive. I am sorry if that seems harsh but now I have no choice.? Once again I closed my eyes and turned my face into the pillow. ?Okay, let's take things back a bit and consider what lasting hurt you have caused, shall we?? I nodded. I knew she was trying to help me but this had been going on for over a year now and I still didn't feel any different. ?Right, let's begin with Philip. Didn't he leave you after all this happened?? I turned to face her again, puzzled. ?No...? I replied slowly. ?Exactly, no, he didn't did he. He loves you enough for both of you and yet you are still punishing him!? With immense effort I lifted myself up onto my elbow and I saw a glint in Helen's eyes. ?How am I punishing him? He doesn't have to stay,? I said, unable to conceal my anger now. ?No,? she replied, ?He doesn't and yet... And Penny too. Does she have to put up with it?? ?She is my friend. I will understand if she wants to get on with her life!? Helen was smiling now. ?Yes, Anna, she is a friend. You are very lucky*to have her, are you not and what about Sam?? At the mention of Sam I flopped back down, my arms shaking with the effort.